Thoughts about saying good-bye (II)

Until I graduated from high school, a good-bye was never a big deal for me. It usually meant "see you tomorrow" or "see you after the weekend". However, the concept and the aftermath of good-byes have been keeping my mind occupied for quite a while now.

Not too long ago "have a nice life" seemed like a cool phrase to throw at your enemy. Now it's something I say to friends. People have a tendency to be optimistic and say "see you soon" in all sorts of situations, but sometimes you just know you are never going to see them again, simply because you reach a parting of your ways. My university town, Malmo, is the only connection I have with most of the people I met after I graduated from high school. Everything is so unstable here - people come and go, knowing that even if they come back a year or two later, things will never be the same.

But what's been really bothering me lately is the classical situation - one person stays and the other person goes. I have been on both sides.  Leaving home for the first time, I looked ant my brother and tried to picture what he would do after I'm gone. He would go to the kitchen, grab a few candies from the yellow bowl on the kitchen table, lie down on the sofa and watch TV all afternoon. I left my classmate in a train station in Malmo a year ago and flew over to England, thinking how she would go home and wrap herself up in a blanket, just like every day. I left my housemates in England, knowing that nothing really changed for them and they will soon welcome a new person who will sleep in the same bed I slept in. With or without me, these cycles never stopped.

But sometimes I get to be on the other side. Looking at my boyfriend in the train window after he visited me, I knew it was just the beginning of his journey, and I just went back to my apartment. Nothing was different, except the fact that he was there, with me, only half an hour ago.

It just gets so confusing at this point - you always hear how important you are for people, but when you are gone, are you really missed?

From freedom to slavery

Recently, my all inner world was constantly pondering women's situation in their family context, considering only women from post-soviet countries, such as Baltic States, Balkan region and the rest of Eastern Europe. This blog post has spent over three weeks in 'draft' section, because I kept hoping I will arrive in some kind of a conclusion. Nevertheless, this question stays open and doesn't leave my mind. Maybe because I can't find the nerve to keep searching for an answer even though I'm interested in the idea of finding it. What puts me down the most is the absolute downfall of the idea of two young people being desperately in love with each other and willing to do anything for each other. It seems like something that can only happen if the society ceases to remain humane.

So what I've been pondering is women taking up the role of a husband-slave, or, worse, a family-slave. As this post-soviet period was not too long ago, this is still to to be seen in the environment of where I am from. I find it impossible for myself to understand why women choose to not change it and not do anything to make it stop. The majority of middle-aged and old men of this generation seem to be very fond of consuming enormous amounts of alcohol, especially vodka. This leads to alcohol addiction. These men not only disrespect their children, but usually as well humiliate their wives,and spend most of their family's money on alcohol. There are also cases when women take up this role, I'm not a sexist, but most often it IS men. What adds to never ending family quarrels, women having to earn money for the whole family and look after the children and the household, and men showing their children the worst family life example possible, is quite often physical violence, humiliation of women in front of their children, or even sexual violence within the family.

It is, of course, terrible and hard to perceive as something that is still happening in our modern society, but what worries me the most is how women accept it as something 'natural' (it's hard to even use this word in a context like this) and do nothing to change it. It might, of course, be so because of never ending hope that one day it will change without doing anything, or fear of big changes, or maybe even taking children away from their father, but if you think about it.. This is a change for good, and it is also a good thing to do regarding children's wealth. When you think about it, women's fear to escape is the only power supply for this kind of men. They have power over someone, they are given money, they have someone to clean for them, and cook for them. They have a servant. But only if women in this situation treat themselves as servants. But the truth is, everyone's free, regardless of their gender, marital status or number of children. It isn't a choice to make, it isn't even a choice of whether to make this change or not. However, the problem is - wait, there is no problem. And then, after choosing to be repressed instead of being free, women think they have the right to get offended by the usage of term 'women logic'.

The only thing I am sure of after thinking over it and writing it down is that I will be relieved if this won't become a tradition. The idea of free and open-minded society is taking over my generation, and it looks like we will have to be the ones to give it a form and make it a tradition, something to pass on to other generations as a model of general wealth. We will have to be the ones to resist the bad example we have been shown, take up the good bits from the exceptions in it and create something new for ourselves to make our lives better. To cheer you up, I think we will do just fine :)

Tattoos: representing thought or calling attention?

According to the statistics, 36% of US adults between the ages of 18-25 have at least one tattoo. This officially proves how fond young people are of expressing themselves in various ways.  Although most of them see this as a way to represent a unique way of thinking, others just seem to call for some  extra attention. Although there is no official proof of that and never will be, I think that everybody has thoughts about getting a tattoo and I’m not an exception. I have been constantly having thoughts regarding the location, the size, and, most Importantly, the meaning of what I would like to put on my body . However, the visualization of it in my head changes all the time. And that is for sure the only reason why I don’t have a tattoo yet. What keeps me from being sure about it is basically the thought that one morning I will wake up with regret. Images appearing in my head vary from band logos to quotes and those little fancy drawings that always look cute. For me they all have some kind of meaning or cause some kind of an association with what matters to me. But then I start to think about tribal tattoos or tramp stamps and what they mean to people, and what it is that causes them to want to have this kind of painting on their body.
Every person has his own reasons for doing things and even trying to be as tolerant as possible I cannot in any way understand some of them. For me life is a one-time chance to do whatever I feel like doing. A chance that just feels very wrong to miss. However, some people just seem to refuse to realize it and go with the flow.

Emi is into movie recommendations

'Cafe de flore' is another movie I can't stop thinking about..and watching all over again as well. That's my thing, when something makes me think or feel differently in a good way, I get addicted to the feeling and feel like it would be wrong not to see/hear it again.
So this movie raises the idea of faith when it comes to love. It's about two people being written in the stars. About one person being a part of his partner's flame which burns even after this life ends, and even when the other life starts, meaning that the two are destined to find each other there. I find it very comforting to think that. When you combine the main ideas of 'Mr.Nobody' and 'Cafe de flore', it's not so hard to believe. We live our lives and don't really know if the afterlife exists. But if we are so sure of it even if it can all exist in one child's imagination, the idea of afterlife doesn't seem so surreal anymore, at least for me. I often get taken over by those depressing thoughts about the end of my life. Especially when I wish for my happiness to last forever. But there is no forever if we die, is it? That's depressing too. So this movie gave me a new point of view, the one that gives my happiness some deeper context. One that makes me mean it when I say forever. feel love more truly than ever and encourages to never forget about it, not even for a second.
To be honest, I can't stop thinking about this movie for weeks after I watch it once. Those thoughts are seriously addictive, because there is nothing in this world that makes me feel more satisfied with what I have and who I am than perfect harmony inside me.

Emi is thinking about life, love and existence

Let me just begin by saying it's in no way a recommendation, because most people I offer to watch this tell me it's crap, I am just spilling my thoughts into a virtual space. So there's this movie I can't get enough of. It's called 'Mister Nobody'. The name of it is far from catchy. The actors, however, are insanely good and Jared Leto is doing perfectly well there as always. On the other hand, it's too long as a mindfuck type of movie, so not everyone can last till the end of it. It's also weird as hell, I thought the same thing after watching that once. But it's a kind of movie that takes more than one time to watch in order to understand it. However, I do not know any single person except myself who is willing to watch this 3-hour movie more than twice. Ain't nobody have time for that.. However, after I watched it I got really curious about things I did not understand there. To get most of it took me about 4 times. But still, I keep watching different parts of it again and again. It changes everything. Before I found it, I would have never believed a movie can contain more and cause more thoughts about life, existence and love than any lecture I can possibly have or book I ever read in my life. When I watch it for a minute or two, all those thoughts are reborn and alive in my head, and I must add that it's addictive. I want to think more about it, feel this infinity of space and have this idea of everything being not real. Thinking about love from a different perspective than that of girly movies or romance comedies. Imagining all people being a huge 7 billion pixel screen and not being able to see myself in there, when everyone around me is telling I can change the world.
Every person sooner or later finds his way of feeling this. It might be a once-in-a-lifetime feeling, but it might become an addiction. Well, this was mine.

/Emi